MURFREESBORO, TN – Move over, Ocean’s Eleven; we have a new contender for the title of most daring heist—except this one stars a 68-year-old Texan, a pocket-sized laser level, and a big-box hardware store on Old Fort Parkway.
The scene of this masterful caper? None other than Lowe’s, the home improvement mecca that invites you to “Never stop improving” unless, of course, you plan on doing so by pocketing merchandise. Our story’s protagonist entered the store in late November, blending into the crowd of DIY enthusiasts. But this wasn’t a routine stop for a gallon of paint or a new drill. No, this man had his sights set on a $69 Klein Tools self-leveling cross-line laser level.
With laser-focused precision (pun absolutely intended), the Texan allegedly slid the device into his jacket pocket and headed for the door. Unfortunately for him, Lowe’s employs loss prevention staff who are as vigilant as they are quick. As the gray-haired bandit made his not-so-speedy getaway, an employee intercepted him just before he reached the promised land: the parking lot.
Murfreesboro police were called to the scene, and what followed was nothing short of riveting. After some tense negotiations (read: a calm conversation), the suspect returned the prized laser level and was informed he is now persona non grata at all 1,746 Lowe’s locations worldwide. That’s right—the man now holds the dubious honor of being universally banned from every single Lowe’s, from Murfreesboro to the furthest reaches of civilization.
To put it into perspective, if our protagonist decided to launch a Lowe’s World Tour, visiting three stores a week, he’d still have 186 locations left by the time he turned 78. That’s dedication—and cardio—few of us could commit to.
The story didn’t end with handcuffs. The suspect left the scene without further incident, but Lowe’s isn’t letting this one slide. They intend to file a warrant for shoplifting, ensuring this tale of larceny lives on in legal records.
So, if you’re a fan of heist stories with a healthy dose of absurdity, this one’s for you. As for the Texan, it seems he’ll have to “do it right for less” somewhere else—assuming he can find another store that sells laser levels with the same panache as Lowe’s.
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